Maybe We’ll Get Really Lucky and He’ll Actually Read This Part Deux…

Jan 24, 2K09

To: The White House

Attn: President Barack Obama

Re: NCAA Football Playoffs

Dear Mr Obama,

Haven't heard back from you, and do appreciate your busy schedule. Once again I write to offer my services in helping you install the NCAA Football Championship Playoffs, change our country desperately needs. While Florida is a very worthy Champion this year, there are three teams that really should have had a chance to play for Numero Uno, but didn't. Rather than belabor the past, let's adopt a platform of hope, and fix the hosed up mess that is college football today.

Previously, I suggested that we get rid of all the conferences, but I've rethought that stance. There is simply too much money involved to do that, and neither of us need to fight that battle. However, the conferences do need trimming and consolidation, and details follow in the text of this communique. Here's an executive summary, and then we'll get into the details:

• There are 120 teams in the NCAA FBS, formerly known as Division 1-A.
  
• There are currently eleven conferences spread across the country in various sizes and shapes. There are also four Independent teams, and they shall get with The Program and be independent no more.
• Realignment reduces the total conferences to TEN, consisting of TWELVE teams each.
• Each team will play a total of THIRTEEN regular season games, no more and no less, beginning roughly the first weekend of September and ending on Thanksgiving weekend.

• Each team will play every other team in their conference ONCE, leaving TWO games open for traditional rivalry games, for example, USC-Notre Dame. Rivalry games such as Oklahoma - Nebraska should be continued, even if the two teams now reside in different conferences.

Realignment of the conferences is detailed below, alphabetically:

Sayonara Boston College, hello to South Florida and to Geographic Correctness.

These guys have gotten away with calling themselves the Big Ten for too long, as there have been eleven members since JoPa State joined the fold a few years back. The existing teams stay intact and Notre Dame finds a home, like it or not.

BC comes home, Temple and Buffalo also save on gas. WooHoo for Green improvements!

The original Big 12 gets revamped and becomes the BIGGER 12, as, well everything's bigger in Texas. Supposedly. In any event, this could pretty much be called the Lone Star Conference but for the inclusion of two teams from the O.K. state. Looks like a Texan got self important with the hiliter here, apologies.

Damn Texans.

There's a Big East, so why not a Big West? This pretty much combines the former WAC and MAC, and adds the Armed Forces. This was a bit tricky, as travel logistics for Army and Navy aren't good, being East Coast teams. I suggest you give each team a 747 and make it easy on them, as they deserve a break.

The Heartland is a brand new conference consisting of the former Big 12 teams displaced by teams from Texas, with some old MAC and WAC members and the odd team from Arkansas thrown in for good measure.

The MidAmerican stays fairly well intact, less Temple and Buffalo and with Middle Tenn State added. Tennessee is an awfully long word, might we get that changed simply to Tenn?

The Pac 10 becomes the PAC 12, by adding newcomers Hawaii and San Diego State.

Conference USA loses all affiliation with the State of Texas and brings aboard five newcomers. Ola, compadres! Wait, you say you don't habla the Espanol? Cool!

Can we interest you in some nice Confederate flags?

Last, certainly not least, and most definitely not alphabetical orderly correct, meet your new SEC. Same as the old SEC. The SEC doesn't really like change, and well, I'm all right with that. These teams and their respective states pretty much scare me as badly as they do the rest of the country.

And that, Sir, is that. I should note here that this is not rocket surgery, and that it took less time to make this spreadsheet during the season premiere of 24 than it did to format this damn blog page. All that's left for us here is to lay out the Playoff System, and we'll hopefully be home in time for lunch. And a nap. Here ya go:

• There will be TWELVE Playoff teams, consisting of the winners of each of the above conferences and TWO Wild Cards.
• The computer portion of the current BCS System, while likely in need of a bit of tweaking, will serve as the basis for determining the Wild Card teams.
• In case of a tie in a conference, the first tiebreaker will be based on head to head competition. BCS computer rankings will break any remaining ties, and there will be a series of other "TBD" steps in the unlikely event two teams remained deadlocked after being run through HAL 2000.
• Seeds ONE through TWELVE will also be determined by the BCS computer.
• Seeds ONE through FOUR will have a bye in Week One, and the remaining EIGHT teams will comprise the First Round, with FIVE playing TWELVE, SIX playing ELEVEN, and so forth, at the higher seeded team's home field.
• Week One will be the first weekend of December.
• Week Two will be the next weekend, and will trim the field to FOUR teams. The same seed driven matchups will be employed, and the higher seeds, ONE through FOUR, will once again play on their home fields.
• Semi Final Week Three will be the following Saturday, and the games will be a rotation of the Sugar, Orange, and Fiesta Bowls. Each of these bowls will host the remaining highest seed one year, the remaining second high seed the next year, and will not be a part of the Playoff in the third. New Orleans, Miami and Phoenix can either duke it out over who takes a seat in the first year the Playoffs take effect, or we could just draw straws.
• The National Championship Game will be played each and every year at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California, on January by God FIRST. Let's make a New Year's Day game meaningful again. Enough said.

Well that's a wrap for this session, Sir. I'm sure there's a pile of things to be ironed out, but they are all doable. I still stand ready to rock. Holla back soon so we can discuss salary and perks of my impending Secretary of NCAA Football Playoffs appointment.

Anxiously,

NFSFFW for PFFFFTT

MEH.

In a word, that's how I feel about what's left of the season. But any football blog wouldn't be worth a broke dick without SOME coverage of the Championship Games, now would it? So while I can't find the rat's ass I could give about any of these teams or either of these games, I'll do my bloggy duty and give 'em some lip service.

Philly at Arizona: While I think the 11-5 Pats would wipe the field with either team, they don't get the opportunity. Arizona could be a feel good story I guess, but I just can't get behind them. Look up "asshole" in the dictionary and you'll find this pic:

A constant fixture on the Top 5 Worst Owners in Pro Sports List, I wish him, and in turn his team, nothing but FAIL. Sorry Kurt, Larry, and Anquan, hope you do well with your new teams when it's time to get paid.

Philly's chances seem to rest on their defense and fearless leader Donovan McKnob.

Not exactly an awe inspiring scene, and there are more pics of MK in similar positions, usually in a big game. Eagles fans hope Donovan will lay off the Chunky today and finally get to the Souper Bowl - in his fifth try. If it's a close game he'll need just a smidge of help from coach Andy Reid, who seems to lose track of time in crucial situations pretty regularly. Yo, Andy, quit dreaming about the post game buffet and check the clock every now and then. And for chrissake, DON'T EAT YOUR QUARTERBACK!


Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles 31, Arizona Cardinals 21.
I know the Iggles can do this if they get Westbrook involved in the game, especially with some screens early on to open up the middle. Boldin's going to give it a go but won't be full speed, and Larry Fitz will be double covered most of the day by a better pass defense than he's seen in the past few games. This looks like a no brainer to me, a couple picks and forced fumbles would seem to be in the Cards for the Iggles D.
The only thing McKnob and Reid have to fear is McKnob and Reid. And whichever team comes out of the AFC...

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: The Stillers won two previous matchups by a combined score of 36-29. Both Terrell Suggs and Samari Rolle played in those games, but today they are questionable at best. The Ravens had a full on donnybrook against the Titans last week, and they are in for more of the same today. Heinz Field is where Joe Flacco's rookie season comes to an end.


Young Joey has had a marvelous year, he is the first rookie QB to EVER lead his team to a Conference Championship Game. That, along with a killer unibrow, is quite impressive, and he'll be a good one for years to come. But not today. This game will belong to the great defense of the Pittsburgh by God Steelers.

Led by The James Gang, Harrison and Farrior, and Man of Troy Polamalu, and LaMarr Woodley and Deshea Townsend and ... well, you get the picture. The Stillers will get some good licks in the first half and will dominate a tiring and battered Baltimore offense in the second half.
Just like last week. Just like they will two weeks from now against whichever NFC team wins today.

Prediction: Pittsburgh Steelers 25, Baltimore Ravens 11.
An odd score indeed, which you sometimes get with two powerhouse defenses. Make no mistake, in a full health situation for both teams on a neutral field, I'd see this game dead even, but that's not the case in this one. Sorry, Ed Reed, I loves ya and would kill to have you and 10 others just like you on my team. Maybe next year. Seriously.

NFL Divisional Preview

So we're down to the Final 8, and have two games each tomorrow and Sunday. Gonna be another productive weekend here at the Ranch, I'm sure. I don't see a lot of upset possibilities in this round, and pretty much like all the home teams/favorites, albeit some more than others. Here ya go, in clunker to gem order:

Arizona at Carolina - If you don't have a rooting interest in either team, consider this:

This is far more exciting than this game has a shot at being. The Cards have sucked on the road, especially east of the Mississppi, and they are facing the team that would be #1 in the NFC but for a Week 16 overtime loss in the Meadowlands. Arizona has a middle of the pack run defense on the whole, they have been above average at home and below stinkage on the road. Carolina boasts a two headed monster of fleet footed Jonathan Stewart and slasher DeAngelo Williams, who has rushed for 16 TD's in his last 9 games. The Panthers also have Steve Smith, a very good pass rush and defense, and are undefeated at home. I don't expect 37 year old Kurt Warner to have a banner day, especially as he'll be on his back for a good portion of it, and the Cardinals aren't built to pound the ball with a pretty much rag tag bunch of RB's. With superstar Anquan Boldin likely out, the focus will be on Larry Fitzgerald, All World WR, but he can only do so much. When the two teams met in Week 8, the game was close at 27-24, and Williams was just hitting his stride. I think that same 51 points will be scored in this one , but it won't be close.

Prediction: Carolina 38 Arizona 13.

San Diego at Pittsburgh - If anyone needs to towel off in this one, it shouldn't be a problem.


And there should be plenty of towelies left at the end of the game to wipe the bitter tears of defeat from the collective eyes of Charger fans. The Steelers defense is good, I mean REALLY good. I haven't seen such a thorough beating up of another team as the mauling Pittsburgh put on my beloved Pats in a long, long time. The Pats are usually the ones doing the physical beatdown, but they took it straight on the chin multiple times in Week 13. This impressed me, and Pitts has been my pick to go to the Super Bowl since then. I'm not gonna waver now. The Chargers have won five in a row, although three were against Oakland, KC, and Denver, so color me unimpressed. They will be without the services of Ladainian "Greatest Regular Season Running Back Ever " Tomlinson, and will lay their hopes at the feet of their pretty good run/pretty lousy pass defense to keep this one close against a Steeler offense that's not exactly a powerhouse. On the offensive side of the ball, SD can succeed to an extent with some swing passes to Tiny Darren Sproles and will repeatedly target future Hall of Famer Antonio Gates, but don't expect a lot out of the WRs, another ragtag crew led by Vincent "DUI" Jackson. Philip Rivers had a helluva year, especially with the lack of a true #1 wideout, and was more deserving of league MVP than Manning. I'm not saying he should have won the award, but he did have a better year than Peyton. I fear for him and Sproles this week though, and look for a couple key turnovers that lead to Steeler scores.

Prediction: Pittsburgh 24 San Diego 13.

Philadelphia at New York - A classic NFC East showdown featuring Donovan "Jekyll and Hyde" McNabb vs The Smaller Foreheaded Manning, and a lack of pictures that won't make me sick. A lot of experts are on a Philly roll right now, they've been a trendy pick since demolishing Dallas a couple weeks ago. What the esperts have conveniently forgotten is that in Week 16 these same Eagles went down 10-3 at the hands of the not so mighty Redskins. I foresee another McNabb Moment on the horizon, and not a good one. These two split the season series, each winning in the other's house. Expect that to change this weekend as the trio of Earth, Wind, and Fire - stupid name, but I guess better than Blood, Sweat and Tears - rack up a couple hundred yards and take the pressure off Eli. It'll be pretty close, probably decided on a McNabb pick midway through the fourth quarter.

Prediction: New York 24 Philadelphia 14. Just like last night's game!

Baltimore at Tennessee - Duck and Cover!!!

This could be the scene over LP Field when these two get done with each other. If you like high scoring games with lots of trickery and fantastic long pass plays, don't even bother turning this one on. If the Steelers are the best defensive team in football, these two are numbers 2A and 2B.
Mr Collins, meet Messieurs Reed and Lewis, and hey there Young Mr Flacco, I'd like to introduce you to Senors Haynesworth and Finnegan. You'll be seeing a lot of them on Sunday, and in your nightmares for weeks afterward. Make no mistake, this will be a defensive battle, and I really have no clue who will prevail. I'll give the edge to the Titans as I expect both passing "attacks" to be weak, and I think Tenn has an edge in the running game.

Prediction: Tennessee 16 Baltimore 13.

Y'all enjoy the games and please don't bet your life savings on anything you just read!

2008/9 College Football Wrap

First, BIG props to Urban Meyer and his Florida Gators for winning their second BCS title in three years. Led by Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin and a bend but don't break opportunistic defense, the Gators sit on top of the college football world once again. For those who rocked, we salute you!

As for the game, there seems to be a general sentiment that it was sloppy, and somewhat of a disappointment. I personally hadn't been so on the edge of my seat for a whole game since last year's Super Bowl, so one might say I disagree, and one would be right. I saw some great defensive plays - Florida's 4th and goal shutdown, the blocked field goal, a great interception by each team. OK, maybe the other two picks were sloppy, but let's be realistic here - this was #1 vs #2, neither got here because any component of their game sucks and the respective D's made good plays on both. I also saw some exciting offense - Harvin's 52 yard scamper, Brown ripping through the Gator D for 50 on three straight runs early in the second quarter, laser guided throws from both QB's into tight coverage. I thought it was a great game to watch, but I guess some people aren't happy when teams actually play defense, or when the outcome of a game still hangs in the balance with five minutes left in the fourth quarter.

So Texas, Utah, and USC got left out in the cold. All three teams were legitimate title contenders, and can't be happy they didn't get a shot. But that's the way the NCAA has set up the system, and for now we all have to live with it. I'll have more on that later, but for now, I just want to congratulate the Gators with a special tip of the cap to young Mr. Tebow, who has pretty much become my favorite college player ever. He's what college athletes should strive to be. C'mon back next year, Sir, and bring home another one of these:

The Following Preview is Rated PG-13

TebowNator concept by NFSFFW
Photoshop Extraordinaire by NEWWAVEGURLY

Wild Card Weekend Predictions-Update!

Well, I'm oh for two, hope no one bet their undervalued mortgage on these prognostications. I guess I didn't take Tiny Darren seriously enough in San Diego last night. Or did I???

Gay Homosexual NFL Bestiality!!!

Words almost escape me here...

Almost.

First, props to the zebra for executing a combination reacharound/reachunder, a daring move with a high degree of difficulty, sure to score big points with Dick Button! I'm kinda thinking he might draw a flag for unsportsmanlike bestiality, but in his defense, he may have just been winding up for his signature "start the lawn mower" move, checking for a weapon of mass destruction, trying to birth a calf, or simply demonstrating a new pass protection strategy called "cockblocking".

I won't even get into what's going on with the guy on his knees, but he could have probably used some personal foul 69 help from this ref:



In any event, looks like the Cards had a big coming out party yesterday, but I am thankful that the postgame bukkake banquet was not televised.

*props to xmas ape at KISSING SUZY KOLBER for the screen grab I swiped