In Which We Learn Why The Cardinals Should Have Stayed in Phoenix

It's a critical game for the Pats today, all are win or go home now. Thanks to the ineptness of the CowPokers offense last night, we are in even more dire need of help from a couple hapless patsy teams, Kansas City against the Fish and Seattle against the Dog Ass Jets. Neither of these seemingly lopsided matchups is as easy as it looks for our inferior AFC East brethren, however, as KC is nearly impossible to beat at home in December, especially if you have a team full of warm weather pussies like Miami, and the Jets have just looked like shit recently and have a bad weather game up in the PNW. For the record, I pick both the Chiefs and Hawks to prevail today, clearing a path for the Patriots to once again sit on the top rung of the division ladder.


Alas, we can't do anything about those games except watch them play out, and neither can the Pats. We'll just have to concentrate on this week's victim, the Champions of the By God NFC West, your Arizona Cardinals! What a lousy excuse for a fucking football team, champs of maybe the worst division in NFL history, the beneficiaries of having three of the absolute shittiest teams in football as the competition. The Cards don't belong on the same field as the Pats, even this injury devastated version, and will get their tailfeathers handed to them today. Here's a few reasons why:


Just look at Arizona's stadium! A beautiful piece of modern art, retractable roof, retractable field, retractable penises for their stud wide receivers so they don't become cumbersome during fly patterns. Located in wonderful Glendale Arizona, the temperature seldom drops below 60 degrees F and the Cards have enjoyed moderate success in their cushy confines. Here's where they'll play today:


Welcome to Foxboro, bitches, where we don't have retractable anything, and play football outside in subzero temperatures and snow. The U.S. Mail has nothing on us and we basically live for shit weather. You're about to get a beakful of it, and you're not gonna like it. The 2700 mile trip from the desert to the Northeast Pole will be as unsuccessful as the rest of your forays East, and your pass defense will be skewered like a moosekabob. You have no chance today, and here's a little glimpse into your sad future:

Edge James, Tim Hightower and JJ Arrington will find themselves collectively frozen in place, unable to move against a Wall O' Pats.

Larry Fitz and Anquan will find themselves grounded as Kurt Warner has his wings clipped and the Cards' air attack is brought down like an Illinois governor.

Neil Rackers will try to find some footing to get Arizona a couple 3 pointers, but will not have any help from John Deere.


In the end, Warner and Breaston will only be able to watch as the Pats' awesome play relegates them to the bench with frostbitten testicles.



Prediction: New England Patriots 27, AZ Cardinals 6.

Boring Football Saturday

There's a few of these weeks each season, one or two maybe, where we just have a bunch of clinker games available and all hope for entertainment rests with the E. Okefenokee State Possums and the University of Ponchartrain Swamp Thangs getting into a thrilling 65-64 six overtime shootout. Alas, today we don't even have that type of game to save our football addicted asses as the college season is over, with only one meaningful game left to be played some 3 1/2 weeks from now. Nor are there any NFL games today, as the league has shifted Saturday games to Thursday night on its very own, very limited access network.

So today pretty much sucks, footballwise. With any luck at all I can avoid seeing a Bruins / Thrashers score today and catch the replay tonight on NESN - even though I pay for the channel, the live games are blacked out.

We're left with the Heisman Trophy presentation, an hour of hype and good old stories to get to 5 minutes of the actual presentation and subsequent interview - WOOP! I've professed Tebow man-love here before, and won't shy away from him now. By sheer numbers, it's tough to vote against McCoy, who could go zero for twenty in his exciting upcoming matchup against Ohio Fucking State and still set the alltime completion percentage record, and just as tough to vote against Bradford as he leads an offense that's thrown down 60 against its last 5 opponents, another alltime mark. I would submit here that both have played the majority of their games against weak-assed Big 12 defenses and other cupcakes, and have stats that are inflated as a result. Florida beat then #1 Alabama, #4 LSU, and #6 Georgia by a combined score of 131-51, with Young Tim at the helm, and played an tougher overall schedule than either of his worthy foes.

Who wins? Who the fuck knows... Based on stats alone, Bradford. Toss in leadership and being the most valuable player to his team, and it's Tebow. I see McCoy as being a Ross Perot/Ralphie Nader in the voting, and I believe he'll take more votes from Bradford than Tebow, giving the Gator Great his second Heisman. If I had a vote, I guess I'd employ my basest logic - if the Patriots needed a QB, God forbid, which of these three would I draft?

T2, hands down.

I Just Don't Get It...

Well, the games have been played, the polls have been polled, the computers updated, the BCS ranks composited, and the Big Bowl matchups set. And I still, and never will, understand how the BCS Bowl selection process makes any sense. I get the conference tie ins, although I think they are idiotic, and they will result in crapfests like the upcoming Orange Bowl from time to time. Shit happens, and every year deserving teams get bumped out of big dollars due to these affiliations. And we have an abortion or two...

Here are the Final BCS Ranks for your perusal:

The BCS Bowl Matchups:

National Championship - #1 Oklahoma vs #2 Florida. I think these are the two best teams and have no issue with either - should be a great game.

Orange Bowl - #12 Cincinnati vs #19 Virginia Tech. A joke game, but I'm done beating this particular horse.

Rose Bowl - #5 USC vs #8 Joe PA State. A good traditional game with the best of the Big Ten and Pac Ten. Can't bitch about it.

Sugar Bowl - #4 Alabama vs #6 Utah. Congrats, Utes, your undefeated season earns you a trip to a home game against a very pissed off Tide team that is going to have a big chip on its shoulder. You do get some nicely deserved cash, though, and I hope you give 'em hell.

Fiesta Bowl - #3 Texas vs #10 Ohio State. OK, here's where I go off. Ohio State? Ohio FUCKING STATE?!? You seriously have to be kidding me. This is a 10-2 team, the second place team in the Big Ten, a team that got pasted by USC and also lost to Joe PA State in Columbus. They own unimpressive victories over Youngstown State, Ohio, and Troy, as well as the train wreck known as Michigan Football 2008. They are ranked TENTH in the BCS, almost 150 points behind #7 Texas Tech and some 60 points behind #9 Boise State.

This is wrong, VERY wrong.

I really don't know if there is a rule prohibiting 3 schools from the same conference from participating in the Big Bowls, if there is it's a totally fucked rule, but hey, rules is rules and Tech can go to the oh-so-unmarquee Cotton Bowl matchup against #25 Mississippi with heads held high. But what about UNDEFEATED Boise? What in hell does this team need to do to get a little respect? They were the first "small school" to get a BCS bid a couple years ago against Oklahoma, and they let out all the stops in pulling off a stunning David vs Goliath upset in the Orange Bowl. It surely looked like one of these two teams would be left out, most likely Boise because of their lower ranking, but in the end TWO very good teams got absolutely fucked over in favor of an inferior behemoth. What in the world are these rankings good for if the governing body can't figure out that 7>9>10? I just became a Colt McCoy fan, and I hope he throws for 10 touchdowns in Phoenix.

Fix the goddamn system, NCAA. If you can't see through the shit residue on your glasses from having your heads straight up your asses and give the paying public a playoff, at least clean the fucking things off enough to be able to look at the mess you've made and level out the playing field.

Feelin' Kinda Sunday...

Your Weekly Patriots Preview - At Seattle

I don't know much about Seattle, I spent about 6 hours there one day and that's the size of it. It's very green, very pretty, and it rained the day I was there. The people all seemed nice, although they didn't have good tans, and I thought I was in Asia during the time I was at SeaTac Airport.

I also don't know much about the Seattle Seahawks football team, except that along with the Chargers and Jagwires, they are viewed as having had a hugely disappointing season. I do know the quarterback, Matt Hasselbeck, the eldest son of former Patriot TE Don Hasselbeck and brother of Tim Hasselbeck, also a quarterback, and Nate Hasselbeck, a littler known WR, and I know that Matt Hasselbeck has a bad back that's been hassling him all season. He's probably not going to play today, yielding to Seneca Wallace. I know the Seahawks have had massive injury problems at WR this year, and that at one point they were secretly trying to work a deal with W to bring in some Guantanamo guys as injury replacements. This was surprisingly deemed cruel and unusual punishment by the White House, and terrorists all over the world breathed huge sighs of relief. I further know that this is Walrus Holmgren's last season as the Hawks' Head Coach, and he ain't going out in a blaze of glory, unless the Asian population decides to have a giant Chinese New Year pig roast and uses his house as the fuel.

In summary, I guess all I know about this team is that they suck and probably shouldn't be on the field against even a pretty average Pats team. NFL.com and Google are amazing tools for the ignorant though, so I have learned a few things:

Seattle is dead last in the league against the pass, and Cassel could have a good shot at his third 400 yard game in four weeks. They are ranked 22 of 32 against the run, giving up 4.1 yards per carry and 11 rushing TD's. The tandem of Faulky-Morris should go for 150 today, and there may even be a Law Firm sighting.

On offense, the Seahawks will trundle out the ever inept Julius Jones (brother of Thomas Jones) who will split carries with journeyman Mo Morris (not the brother of Sammy Morris) and maybe even journeyer-man TJ Duckett (no relation to Billy Clyde Puckett). This crew has Seattle solidly at 21 in rushing rankings - WOOHOO! Don't expect much from the passing game , but for the grace of the Raiders the Seachickens would be DFL in the NFL in passing offense, as well as defense. An Exacta of Shame, if you will. Dallas sacked Hasselbeck 7 times last week, while Wallace has more mobility he still has a crap line and no one good to throw at. While the Pats have had a lousy pass rush all season, the recent recycling of Junior Seau and Rosie Colvin could pay immediate dividends today. No need to ask them to stop the run, just let 'em blitz a half dozen or so times.

How bad will this be? Simply put, even Deltha O'Neal may not look like the worst cover guy in the league today.

Pats 34, Seahawks 6.

These Damn Bowl Games About Figured Out Yet?

Today's IMO Poll Top 8 (AKA the "If We Had a Playoff" Rankings):

Florida 12-1
Oklahoma 12-1
Texas 11-1
USC 11-1
Alabammy 12-1
Joe PA State 11-1
Texas Tech 11-1
Utah 12-0
Boise State 12-0

Yeah, I do know that's 9, not 8, and we all know that won't work for a 4 game bracket. Boise deserves mention though, as they are the only other undie besides Utah, and there isn't going to be a friggin playoff this year anyway. So I'm putting the Broncs in the mix, and have actually figured out a way to get them to a Big Bowl - keep reading...

Rant on:

The Big 12 made a mockery of itself this season. Great conference, with 3 teams in the Top 8, but all 3 are from the South division. While the North division sucks, the rules say North vs South for the Big 12 title. Whatthefuckever. The conference championship game should have been Texas/OK with the winner going to the National Championship game against the Gators. An argument can also be made for Texas Tech being in the Big 12 Champ game, but they got smoked by Oklahoma and just squeaked by the Longhorns on a last second TD pass. Thumbs down, Raiders. Texas is the only team to beat the Sooners, a team that just scored an NCAA record 60+ points in five straight games - jeezus! The Horns should have been the team Oklahoma needed to get by in order to advance to the NCG, and deserved a shot at going there themselves. The Big 12 is a Big Joke.

/end rant

I could rail on about a playoff vs bowls forever , but things aren't going to change today, or this season. Here's what I'd like to see with the mess we are left with:

Florida Tebows vs Oklahoma Laters - National Championship - Should be a lock.

USC vs Joe PA State - Rose Bowl - Is a lock. And Penn St really should consider changing their name to Joe PA State.

Texas Tech vs Texas - Cotton Bowl. Give the Longhorns a chance to avenge their only loss, and Tech a chance to prove their victory wasn't a fluke. Play it right in Big D little allas. Wait, the Cotton Bowl isn't a Big Money Bowl? The hell you say! Well, then screw all them Texans who would love to see this game live, throw this game over to Phoenix in the Fiesta.

Utah vs Boise - The only two undefeated teams, should get a ticket to anywhere warm. The Orange Bowl would be great for them, but we get the immense pleasure of Va Tech/Cincy here. Gonna get some great ratings for that shitshow. So we'll send the Utes and Boysers to the Sugar Bowl.

Alabama vs Nobody - No Bowl. Just give Bama a pat on the ass, congratulate them on a good season and give 'em BCS money. Open up Bryant-Denny on New Years Day and have a 92,000 person Guinness World Record attempt circle jerk. Call it the Saban Bowl, set Nick up at midfield as the ringleader, and show old Bear Bryant clips on the Big Screen TeeVee. Free beer afterward, first come first served. That should work out just fine for Tide fans.

Final BCS rankings and real bowl matchups should be out later today, we'll review these later.

On Fantasy Football Playoffs and Luck

This is why we play. Weeks 14,15,16, Da Playoffs! If you've been lucky and or good enough, you are still playing, and if you've been really lucky/good, your team came in first or second and has the coveted First Round Bye. Congratulations! But how did we get here? Were we awesomely prepared for the draft, with a full understanding of all rules and settings? Did we draft some huge upside guys that paid big dividends? I will never discount the importance of knowledge and good draft strategy, but I will submit here that these are not the only keys to success or failure, but merely the ones we can control.

Fantasy Football is a game that heavily depends on luck, be it good or bad. You have 13 shots to get into the playoffs, unlike baseball, basketball, or even hockey, which are played almost every day during their respective seasons. 13 Sundays and Mondays, with a few scattered Thursday games on a network 60% of the country can't watch. And that is that. In the other 3 main fantasy sports, if your First or Second Rounder gets hurt, there is a good likelihood that you can pick up a decent enough replacement to get your team through until said stud returns, and you typically can recover over the course of a long season. In football, losing a key player is often a season long ordeal, which gets even worse if his NFL team decides to keep him on their active roster. See: Steven Jackson, each of the last 2 years. This situation can be equally or more devastating than losing a top player to a season ending injury, a la Tom Brady this year. I would speculate that a huge percentage of teams that drafted Brady with their First Round Pick are now eagerly anticipating the start of Spring Training. However, from a Fantasy standpoint, those owners were lucky in that Brady went down in Week 1, and was immediately placed on the IR. A crushing blow, certainly, but at worst an 0-1 team record with 12 weeks remaining to patch the QB position together.

Now let's look at good vs lucky, keeping in mind that even the most knowledgeable, strategy wise managers can have shit luck - the bad type. Here's a theoretical first 6 rounds that would have looked pretty solid on draft day, but would have you WAY on the outside looking in right now:

1- S-Jax or LJ
2- Lawrence Maroney or Darren McFadden
3- Chad Johnson or Tory Holt or Marques Colston
4- Edge James or Jonathan Stewart or Carson Palmer
5- Derek Anderson or Marvin Harrison or Fred Taylor
6- Chris Chambers or Kevin Curtis or Jeremy Shockey

I'll stop there, as I think the first 6 rounds are the most crucial ones, with the rest of a draft consisting of building depth, taking a few flyers, and finding serviceable options at TE, K, and DEF. After 6, I'd like to have 2 solid RB's and and a backup, a WR1 and WR2, and either a TE or QB, all NFL starters. The players referenced above all meet the criteria, and were all picked in the referenced rounds in what I consider my most competitive league, the H2H Super Bowl. Most managers would walk away from a draft with some combo of these guys feeling pretty good about their team, and would be considered by most to have done at least an acceptable job in the early rounds.

And they would be totally fucked. All of these guys have either been hurt, lost their jobs due to underperformance/assaulting women, or have just plain sucked. Teams who own them have been scrambling all year to recover, and as all the aforementioned are pretty much regarded as players that just can't be cut, have been stuck with them. Really bad luck.

Here's my PAT RiotZ draft in this league (draft position 2):

1- Purple Jesus, Adrian Peterson. Easy pick. Also lucky, as the guy ahead of me should have taken him at 1 and I'd have probably sprained 3 fingers trying to punch in LDT at this spot...
2- TD Hoosh - I thought he had a solid chance to be the best WR in the league, especially with gunslinger Palmer throwing to him. He's been very good even without CP, but what could have been?
3- Mike Burner Turner - Finally getting a chance to start, has exceeded everyone's expectations. Props to Matty Ryan for being as good as we knew he could be, alomost immediately. Turner wouldn't have done nearly this well if opposing D's didn't have to worry about an above average passing game.
4- Calvin Johnson - Could be the most talented WR around, but he's on a miserable team with an endless list of really shitty QB's. He and rookie RB Kevin Smith have been the only bright spots for the worst team in the history of the league - oh and sixteen is a mortal lock. Suck it, Tampa Bay, you've got company...
5- Marvin Harrison - Was happy to get him as a WR3, but he hasn't done much. Luckily, I've only had to use him 6 or 7 times, and I did have him in for all the games he scored a TD - 4 total. There's that luck word again.
6- Jay Cutler - Who knew that Rat Shanahan's run first offense would come down to Peyton Hillis and the 2cd string towel boy? Who knew that the Denver D would be leakier than a levee in the Big Easy? No one, that's who. But it turned out exactly that way, and Cutler owners have benefited greatly. His off season diagnosis as a diabetic and subsequent medical treatments have helped his stamina. Would I rather have had Brady, Palmer, or HorseBalls Anderson going into the season?
Fuck and Yes, and I shudder to think what may have been. None of my first 6 picks had major injuries this season - shit luck, the good kind.

I've made my share of blunders this season, on a variety of the 6 teams I manage. All 6, amazingly, are in the playoffs - 2 #1 seeds, a 3, 2 4's and a 6 - and I would have been VERY happy if 3 or 4 got in. I had Ronnie Brown on the bench against the Pats, 5 TD's. I had Burner Turner sitting against a tough Carolina D, 4 TD's. I did sit Cutler one week, 60+ points in a PPC league. As you can see, I obviously didn't make the greatest decisions week in and week out. But I've had more good luck than bad.

More on the good side - Reggie Bush scored 2 punt return TD's late in a game and I squeaked by a worthy opponent by a couple points. I honestly didn't even realize that punt return TDs counted until later that evening. I had Cassel going as a Romo injury replacement for both of his 400 yard performances. I'm sure I could go on here, but I'm about to put myself to sleep and don't wish to do the same to anyone who's still reading this. One last fond recollection though, and then we'll wrap.

I run a cut throat league in which the winning team gets to take a player from their opponent each week. In Week 1, my First Rounder, Mr Brady, went down, I got smoked, and I had Thomas Jones taken from me as a result. Sweetening that pot is the fact that my opponent just happened to be the fine woman I live with. AAARGH! Anyway, I stumbled out to a 1-3 start, then slowly and not real surely worked my way to 6-6 going into Week 13. I could get to the postseason with a victory and good point total against a 5-7 team, combined with a 7-5 team losing with a low point total against a 2-10 team. Things looked pretty bleak, then 2-10 Team Member Plaxico Burress shot his bad self in the leg and was replaced by Mark Clayton off the waiver wire, where he'd been languishing all season. Clayton put up a meast week, 2 TD's and 160+ yards receiving, the 2-10 team is now 3-10, and my team scored enough to win not only its matchup, but the 6 seed tiebreaker as well, by 12 points. More shit luck, type: good. Well, except for Burress himself, I guess. I'm not sure if I can name either him or Clayton as my team's MVP, but I'll give them both serious consideration!

The Wrap: My Pat RiotZ team from above ended up 12-1, the only loss coming during Peterson and Cutler's common bye week. The H2H Super Bowl is a great league with some serious competitors. There are about 120 teams playing in 9 different leagues, and the Top 14 will move into the elite H2HSB league next year to crown the Super Bowl Champ. I believe my team is the #1 seed in the entire competition, there are no other 12-1 or better teams from the regionals that have kept their standings posted. I feel a sense of pride for having a team do so well at this level, but I'm also very thankful that luck has been mostly on my side. And I hope to Christ I don't get drilled in the First Round next week...

If you are still playing, Good Luck! If you're not, Spring Training starts in just about nine weeks.

Invites

I sent a few invites to some people whose writing I enjoy. I know you all pretty much have at least one site that you write for, and may simply not have time to contribute anything to this fledgling little posting hole. Howver if do you have something football related that you'd like to write here I welcome you to and would love it if you did! I really don't care if your favorite team isn't the Patriots or Boston College, write about whoever ya want - but always keep Romey's Golden Rule in mind - have a take and don't suck.

Anyone from MASS HYSTERIA has an open invitation, just shoot your e-addy to nfsffw@gmail.com and I'll send an invite. For any fan of Boston sports, the above site is required daily reading. Even if you're one of the unfortunates who can't get behind the Beantown teams, I think you'll enjoy some fine and witty writing....

Tim Tebow

What's not to like about this guy? Maybe the too close resemblance to Brendan Fraser as Adam in Blast From the Past? Or his tendency to Thank God for things as important as his morning dump? Yep, the kid's a little goofy, but one hell of a QB, tough as nails. I think he'll be back for his senior year, there's no way in hell he wants to play in Detroit or St Looie. I wonder if he's ever been to Charlotte...Take it all the way Timmah, and Thank God every day that you don't live in Oklahoma.

Well, So Much For That

Forget what I said about the Pats and the Super Bowl, those are three words that needn't be uttered unless they are in the past tense. Stiff test all right, I'm thinking Wes Welkah might be just a little stiff himself today, and not in a good way. Good luck, Man of Troy and the James Gang and the rest of the Steel D, you've got a nasty as baby shit schedule ahead but from what I saw yesterday that whole schedule thing might be just a tad over rated. Try not to kill anybody.