In Which We Learn Why The Cardinals Should Have Stayed in Phoenix

It's a critical game for the Pats today, all are win or go home now. Thanks to the ineptness of the CowPokers offense last night, we are in even more dire need of help from a couple hapless patsy teams, Kansas City against the Fish and Seattle against the Dog Ass Jets. Neither of these seemingly lopsided matchups is as easy as it looks for our inferior AFC East brethren, however, as KC is nearly impossible to beat at home in December, especially if you have a team full of warm weather pussies like Miami, and the Jets have just looked like shit recently and have a bad weather game up in the PNW. For the record, I pick both the Chiefs and Hawks to prevail today, clearing a path for the Patriots to once again sit on the top rung of the division ladder.


Alas, we can't do anything about those games except watch them play out, and neither can the Pats. We'll just have to concentrate on this week's victim, the Champions of the By God NFC West, your Arizona Cardinals! What a lousy excuse for a fucking football team, champs of maybe the worst division in NFL history, the beneficiaries of having three of the absolute shittiest teams in football as the competition. The Cards don't belong on the same field as the Pats, even this injury devastated version, and will get their tailfeathers handed to them today. Here's a few reasons why:


Just look at Arizona's stadium! A beautiful piece of modern art, retractable roof, retractable field, retractable penises for their stud wide receivers so they don't become cumbersome during fly patterns. Located in wonderful Glendale Arizona, the temperature seldom drops below 60 degrees F and the Cards have enjoyed moderate success in their cushy confines. Here's where they'll play today:


Welcome to Foxboro, bitches, where we don't have retractable anything, and play football outside in subzero temperatures and snow. The U.S. Mail has nothing on us and we basically live for shit weather. You're about to get a beakful of it, and you're not gonna like it. The 2700 mile trip from the desert to the Northeast Pole will be as unsuccessful as the rest of your forays East, and your pass defense will be skewered like a moosekabob. You have no chance today, and here's a little glimpse into your sad future:

Edge James, Tim Hightower and JJ Arrington will find themselves collectively frozen in place, unable to move against a Wall O' Pats.

Larry Fitz and Anquan will find themselves grounded as Kurt Warner has his wings clipped and the Cards' air attack is brought down like an Illinois governor.

Neil Rackers will try to find some footing to get Arizona a couple 3 pointers, but will not have any help from John Deere.


In the end, Warner and Breaston will only be able to watch as the Pats' awesome play relegates them to the bench with frostbitten testicles.



Prediction: New England Patriots 27, AZ Cardinals 6.